Social eater or anytime eater?

It’s been a while since I have blogged, especially on the subject of weight loss as I find it very emotional and touchy for me. However, I’m feeling inspired. I’m listening to a book on CD right now called “Obsessed, America’s Food Addiction and my own” by Mika Brzezinski. In this book, Mika and her best friend battle their food demons together. It’s a fascinating story that I’m looking forward to finishing.  I thought I would have a little look inside my own head and figure out where I stand right now. Perhaps it will spark some kind of a food epiphany & motivation to shovel less processed crap into my mouth. 

What I can admit is that yes, I also have a food addiction. I think the misconception is that it can’t be possible if someone isn’t morbidly obese. That is so far from the truth. I think the fact that I keep a very active lifestyle and take after my father’s side of the family genetics-wise has enabled me to be a comfortable yet frumpy size (US) 12/14. That size description of course means that 12’s are very tight and 14’s are starting to fit. Size denial at its finest! I think this is a hard place to be, because we as women especially, are encouraged to get on board with body acceptance. I think this is the national average size. I’m not big enough to turn heads in horror, so no one is staging a food intervention for me. It appears that I have to stage my own. I had an awakening moment when I went into Torrid, a store offering women’s clothes from sizes 12-26ish. So, I crossed my feared personal threshold and decided to take a look in a plus sized clothing store. The outfits in the window looked flattering and trendy. What I received was not such a welcoming reception. Yes, there I was, the skinniest girl in the big girl store, asking if they had a certain shirt and dress in a size zero. Some of the sizing is very bizarre, as if not to let us know what size we really are…. 0, 1, 2, & 3 in shirts and dresses. One saleswoman was super, the rest (along with some of the patrons) just kind of stared down their noses at me like I didn’t belong. I left with a cute new “going out” outfit, with a very forgiving/flowy shirt I have to wear a belt with. 

I drove away thinking “how did I get here?” I’ve gone up and down for the last 10 years, sometimes dropping as much as 25 pounds in 2 months (see earlier blog posts). Last year, for my 40^th, I took off about 15 pounds in 6 weeks and had the beginnings of a six-pack! I have photographic evidence of this. I do realize that I have vain and twisted motivations. I lose it, and lose it quick then it creeps back on. Why can’t I be ok with this weight? Well, for starters, I’m not supposed to be this heavy. I used to be skinny. I have “small” bones. There is some science to that. But, my bones, are in fact small! I should be about 40 pounds lighter and I know this. I envy anyone who has body acceptance. The whole thing consumes me…from start to finish every day. I’ve tried, very hard, but I can’t accept it. The irony is that I look at other women of all sizes and always see their best features and find beauty. I'm just ultra critical of myself! Many of you may get defensive or not understand this and think "I'd love to be a 12." The truth is I'd love to be ok with a size 12.

Another WTF moment I had was while we were eating out one night. My 12 year old was saying how she needs to start eating healthier, so she won’t get health problems or get diabetes or “fat.” (this is a word I forbid the use of in my house). My 6 year old chimes in innocently and said “why? it’s ok – Mommy’s fat.” I nearly dropped my fork. In fact, I think I did! She meant nothing nasty by it. She was simply stating a fact in her mind. I didn’t eat another bite. I also went out recently with a friend and a few of her female friends whom I don’t really know. But, I looked around and instantly felt the “omg, I’m the fat friend” feeling. I’ve never felt that before. Oh the shame. I don't want to be a zero, but 8 would be welcoming. I think I would be content (as long as I don't look older/blog post for another day!).

So here I am, back in the USA, where everything is flavorful, and full of processed crap that tastes SO good. Now that I am spending up to 3 hours per day in a car, you can’t possibly imagine how many times I think about going through a drive-thru to stop the cravings. It happened so fast, my body and mind adapted to the added sugar & salt in just about everything. The first month back, like many ex-pats who are visiting, you are just excited about indulging in your favorite hot-spots.  For me, it’s Wendy’s, Chipotle, Chick-fil-a & my absolute favorite road-food, Cracker Barrel. Throw in a greasy spoon Mexican joint and I’m in heaven. The first few weeks of these indulgences bring on a feeling of sheer joy, mixed with bloating and gastro-intestinal confusion. The heartburn and swollen ankles eventually subside and your body remembers what it was like to function on these foods, and it sends messages to your mind that you want MORE. I still stand by the fact that I do not eat large portions. I just eat absolutely the wrong foods. It’s that simple. I’m not scarfing down big-gulps and footlong hotdogs. In fact, when I eat out, I tend to box up half of my meal. But, it’s taken its toll already. I feel it all over me. 7 pounds since we arrived and it's all in my gut and face.

I now work in a very large government building with all of the junkiest food options possible…on my doorstep. We have Taco Bell, Pizza Hut & Einstein’s Bagels just to name a few. I work in an office where junk-food is there every single day. You name it - Donuts, candy dishes, bagels, potlucks, etc. It’s in my face. Birthday cake flavored Oreo’s on a Monday morning? Why not? 

Back to the “thinking about it all the time/obsessed” concept. I realized that I was legitimately upset with my husband for not baking or acquiring a birthday cake/cupcakes for me this year.  It's the only thing I want, a tradition my parents carried on. I wanted one because it’s the only occasion where I truly don’t beat myself up for indulging. I’m still bitter about it, a week later as I type this. Lol

Baring my soul, I feel as if it’s all or nothing for me. I’m either dieting in extremes or I’m completely off the wagon. Why can’t I just eat healthy for a few days and then occasionally indulge? Why is this so hard? I know I would feel better, have more energy, look better (!). I’m so middle-of-the-road with every other aspect of my life, why can’t I find this middle ground? I joked with a friend that if there was a surgery where they turned off the taste section of my brain, I would have it, even if there were side effects, like growing hair out of my ears. I do know that I will not pursue a packaged meal or shake replacement diet. Please don’t even bother pitching that to me. I have to put myself on a path where moderation is the main goal. I’ve taken the first step and I’m going back to the gym with a weight training plan in my hand. I've had about 6 sessions. I can do cardio all day but weight training seems to be where it’s at for me. 

Please wish me luck and feel free to comment or send me a PM if you have stories or insight. 

Thanks! 

Overdue Update - Finally

I wish I had more motivation to blog, but I've just been so tired lately, it's the last thing I want to do. I'm still going strong, but have definitely had my share of cheat days as of late. I'm hovering at about 23 pounds lately, so as long as the scale is still going down, I'm happy. But I'll be honest, I have had zero desire to cook lately, and have just been slacking off due to that.

If anything, I've found that I'm not eating enough, so I think that's why I've only been losing about a pound per week, instead of 2-3.

On a very positive note, I've started skating again! Harrogate has started a Roller Derby team and I'm thrilled! I've gone 2 Sunday's in a row. I'm actually bummed that we don't have practice this coming Sunday (Easter). I always used to think that I'd be so much better/faster if I weighed less and I can definitely tell that my stamina and being lighter on the skates has really made a difference. I'm feeling faster than ever. I'll be excited to see what my 25 lap time is when I get to that point.

Other than that, not much new is going on. I'm still in between sizes so have had a hard time each morning putting on clothes. I still don't want to go shopping but I might have to soon and just try to find some good sales.

So yeah - getting a bit bored with the Dukan diet, but still staying pretty close to the concept, lots of protein and not many carbs. I've added in things like nuts here & there which has kept me a bit more sane. I really need to get in the gym more though! The Zumba instructor I loved is no longer teaching so that's one thing I haven't been doing.

Thanks again for reading!

In a Rut

How soon the mighty can.... get stuck. I've had my first real "scale not moving" week and its not shocking why. I've had a few meals out, a few glasses of wine and just haven't been focused in the last week. I was excited to hit my 20 pound milestone but have since had a rough week personally and haven't had any energy or will to get in the kitchen and prepare food. I'm still eating a lot better than I was of course, but I have obviously experienced venturing out of the comfort zone.

One thing I've noticed is I'm really sensitive to the salt when I am eating out. Since Dukan is a low-sodium diet as well, it's really noticeable when I have a lot - and I feel it immediately. Salt is bad!

In other news, we are booked onto a Mediterranean cruise mid-June so I have a definite goal to work towards! Want to get into a bikini! (Mind you once I'm on the boat, all bets are off! Mama is eating!)

Wish me luck. I need some words of encouragement this week.

20 Pounds Down

Well, I finally hit 20 pounds today! A little over 2 months and a few hiccups along the way but wow – It’s the best feeling! I honestly can say that it’s not been as hard as I thought it would be. I’ve had my moments of weakness but sticking with the plan has really paid off. I haven’t had to work out like crazy either, which confirms my suspicions of it being food and food alone that was responsible for gaining and keeping weight on. I was working out like crazy when I was doing Roller Derby and not losing a pound. High protein low carbs – it’s the way forward! We’ve all heard this for years but it’s really true. Eventually I’ll be able to eat a reasonable amount of carbs on a normal basis but not until I hit my goal weight. It’s been a very forgiving diet as well. Being able to indulge a little and getting back on track and still losing makes it so much easier to deal with. Now that I've recovered from surgery, I'm going to get back into working out though and try to do more than just walking and Zumba. Our gym offers free personal training sessions (I just found this out), so I'm planning to take advantage and get things started trying to tone up and maybe do some weights. I'm one of those girls who is afraid of the weight room, it's intimidating and I don't feel like I know what I'm doing.

I had an interesting thing happen last night. While on the way home after a concert and very late night, my husband and I needed food desperately. We didn’t have dinner and I had a few glasses of wine so I had to have something. The only option at 1:00am was McDonalds, so we just went for it. Now I don’t eat fast food on a normal basis over here as it is, but I would have it once in a while. I had a Big Mac (removed one of the buns) and fries and let me tell you- I was almost instantly physically ill. I got home and my stomach was rumbling, heartburn raging, and I eventually got sick. I guess it was my bodies’ way of telling me “NO, I will not accept this crap you have fed me.” The salt alone was so intense, I swear I could feel it going through my veins. Bad stuff! (But it tasted good of course!)





Ok - about to head to bed. Can't hang like a rockstar on a schoolnight!

Feeling Great, Staying Motivated

I'm bouncing with energy at midnight. I really should be in bed but for some reason I feel full of life today. I think its the first day since my surgery where I'm not ready to put my head on my desk at 2:00pm. I even did a little Wii Zumba with Skylar this evening (and Mia tried to play along).

I'm really getting near my 20 pound weight loss mark and I'm very excited. However, I'm starting to have wardrobe dilemma each morning before I go to work. My big clothes are well, big. I already have a pile of "trousers" that hang off of me and look ridiculous, but my "skinny" clothes are still too tight and slightly inappropriate for the office setting. It's a strange phase to be in because I don't want to do any shopping really because I don't plan to stay in this zone for long. Basically I'm going to look like a ragamuffin for a while, and try to pull off leggings and dresses as much as possible. Not that I'm complaining!

On the subject of vanity - I'm having hair remorse. I'm officially over being a brunette. Now my hairdresser said that this would be a work in progress and eventually I'll have my caramel/light blond mix but right now it's a very boring mousy brown, some parts that have faded show my old color a bit and it's just boring. I am supposed to go back in 2 weeks for my next appt. but Chaz will be out of town so I'm going to have to figure out something. Basically, I want to have it more natural, less brassy/bleached blonde, but I don't think I fancy being this dark and I've had a few of my more blunt/honest friends tell me that they prefer me blonde. In the grand scheme of life, this shouldn't even matter but I think with this overall theme of self improvement, I'd like to feel confident all around.

I was looking at a photo that my dear friend sent me from last summer and remembered it was one of the reasons I started this journey. My husband even said he was a bit shocked that he didn't think I was 'that big,' and that it was just and unflattering photo, but I was happy to compare it to a recent photo to see the progress and to keep me motivated. I posted this before/after on the facebook/Dukan page for fellow dieters to see but as facebook settings are crap, a lot of my friends ended up seeing it. I felt cheeky, and like I was fishing for compliments... really all I wanted was to motivate others and prove that this diet really works! So - I will post it here, not fishing for compliments of course (haha).

See what I mean about the hair? (Left is too blonde - bleaching and help from the sun) Right is well, not me.

Heading to bed now. Goodnight everyone!

Back in the Swing of things...

After having a few weeks of going off course, I'm happy to report that I haven't gained any weight. With the Paris & London trips, I walked a lot so I think it offset the extra calories and sweets/carbs/alcohol I consumed. I am also recovering from surgery and can't taste much so haven't been eating as much as usual. Though I did have a nice mexican meal last night and I went to town on some chips & dips! Lots of cheese!

I started back on the Dukan plan today, a pure protein day and I've been good. I've actually had to push myself to eat as I'm just not that hungry. I'm also really tired to the core. I can't believe how much this surgery has taken out of me. I came into work to do some catch-up and only lasted about 5 hours or so before I was ready to call it a day. I came home and napped for about 3 hours.

I'm not supposed to work out for 2 weeks, so I'm just taking it easy and I'll try to do some walking each day. I'm hoping to hit my 20 pound loss soon so wish me luck.

I've been drained and haven't felt like much of anything lately, let alone blogging but I keep remembering some of the things I wanted to blog about while on my Paris trip. I couldn't help to notice that NO ONE IS FAT in Paris. Honestly, we spent most of our time in a non-touristy area amongst the locals and I was amazed at how fit and thin the french seemed to be. Are they genetically superior? Are they really so active that it offsets the large amounts of bread, cheese and wine they seem to consume at every meal? It's fascinating really. The Dukan diet originated in Paris, so I was half expecting to see menus with Dukan-prepared food but I did not. I think the key is that they seem to have really fresh ingredients, no preservatives. Every meal was like the best and freshest meal I've ever had. How could they make eggs THAT good? It was food heaven. I didn't go crazy on the trip, but there were a lot of "croque monsieur" sandwiches that weekend and quite possibly the best Creme Brulee I've ever head (with Nutella!). Looking back, I'd say it was all worth it.

I'm finding it hard to get motivated to cook though. When I first started this diet, I was in the kitchen every evening. I'm not as excited about it now, and I can't put my finger on why. I'm not sure if its my general tiredness or just boredom with the plan. It's fairly simple so maybe I'm just used to eating kind of boring and bland and will get a 2nd wind soon. I really need to get in there to prepare food. Today I had (literally) taco meat for lunch, which was left over from Saturday nights' dinner and Chaz made me a wonderful filet for dinner. Add some cottage cheese, yogurt, 4 egg whites and a cheese stick to complete my day. It's not enough food. Tomorrow I'll have veggies so maybe that will spice things up. :)

Okay - heading off to bed. Thanks for reading!

Overdue Update

I've been negligent with updating my blog. I know this. It's been a really tough few weeks but luckily I will be resting for the next few days. My trip to Paris was amazing and London was also great. I've definitely veered off course of my diet for the last week and a half but I'm still teetering between 16-18 pounds lost. I think all of the walking I've done has made up for my indulging a bit in food and drink. I had one of the best meals in my life in London at the Palm. I'm still thinking about this "Wedge" salad I had which was so good it should be a crime!

I'm not going to beat myself up for it as they were 2 trips that I have really been looking forward to and I didn't want to be miserable and counting calories the whole time. I'm having surgery tomorrow so the next few days will probably be filled with tea and toast (hospital food). Once I'm back on my feet, I plan to get fully back on the plan. I've been SO busy that cooking is the last thing I've wanted to do. At least I know that the diet does work and it will be motivating to start back up again knowing I'll probably dump off a few pounds just in the first week.

Wish me luck!!