It’s been a while since I have blogged, especially on the subject of weight loss as I find it very emotional and touchy for me. However, I’m feeling inspired. I’m listening to a book on CD right now called “Obsessed, America’s Food Addiction and my own” by Mika Brzezinski. In this book, Mika and her best friend battle their food demons together. It’s a fascinating story that I’m looking forward to finishing. I thought I would have a little look inside my own head and figure out where I stand right now. Perhaps it will spark some kind of a food epiphany & motivation to shovel less processed crap into my mouth.
What I can admit is that yes, I also have a food addiction. I think the misconception is that it can’t be possible if someone isn’t morbidly obese. That is so far from the truth. I think the fact that I keep a very active lifestyle and take after my father’s side of the family genetics-wise has enabled me to be a comfortable yet frumpy size (US) 12/14. That size description of course means that 12’s are very tight and 14’s are starting to fit. Size denial at its finest! I think this is a hard place to be, because we as women especially, are encouraged to get on board with body acceptance. I think this is the national average size. I’m not big enough to turn heads in horror, so no one is staging a food intervention for me. It appears that I have to stage my own. I had an awakening moment when I went into Torrid, a store offering women’s clothes from sizes 12-26ish. So, I crossed my feared personal threshold and decided to take a look in a plus sized clothing store. The outfits in the window looked flattering and trendy. What I received was not such a welcoming reception. Yes, there I was, the skinniest girl in the big girl store, asking if they had a certain shirt and dress in a size zero. Some of the sizing is very bizarre, as if not to let us know what size we really are…. 0, 1, 2, & 3 in shirts and dresses. One saleswoman was super, the rest (along with some of the patrons) just kind of stared down their noses at me like I didn’t belong. I left with a cute new “going out” outfit, with a very forgiving/flowy shirt I have to wear a belt with.
I drove away thinking “how did I get here?” I’ve gone up and down for the last 10 years, sometimes dropping as much as 25 pounds in 2 months (see earlier blog posts). Last year, for my 40th, I took off about 15 pounds in 6 weeks and had the beginnings of a six-pack! I have photographic evidence of this. I do realize that I have vain and twisted motivations. I lose it, and lose it quick then it creeps back on. Why can’t I be ok with this weight? Well, for starters, I’m not supposed to be this heavy. I used to be skinny. I have “small” bones. There is some science to that. But, my bones, are in fact small! I should be about 40 pounds lighter and I know this. I envy anyone who has body acceptance. The whole thing consumes me…from start to finish every day. I’ve tried, very hard, but I can’t accept it. The irony is that I look at other women of all sizes and always see their best features and find beauty. I'm just ultra critical of myself! Many of you may get defensive or not understand this and think "I'd love to be a 12." The truth is I'd love to be ok with a size 12.
Another WTF moment I had was while we were eating out one night. My 12 year old was saying how she needs to start eating healthier, so she won’t get health problems or get diabetes or “fat.” (this is a word I forbid the use of in my house). My 6 year old chimes in innocently and said “why? it’s ok – Mommy’s fat.” I nearly dropped my fork. In fact, I think I did! She meant nothing nasty by it. She was simply stating a fact in her mind. I didn’t eat another bite. I also went out recently with a friend and a few of her female friends whom I don’t really know. But, I looked around and instantly felt the “omg, I’m the fat friend” feeling. I’ve never felt that before. Oh the shame. I don't want to be a zero, but 8 would be welcoming. I think I would be content (as long as I don't look older/blog post for another day!).
So here I am, back in the USA, where everything is flavorful, and full of processed crap that tastes SO good. Now that I am spending up to 3 hours per day in a car, you can’t possibly imagine how many times I think about going through a drive-thru to stop the cravings. It happened so fast, my body and mind adapted to the added sugar & salt in just about everything. The first month back, like many ex-pats who are visiting, you are just excited about indulging in your favorite hot-spots. For me, it’s Wendy’s, Chipotle, Chick-fil-a & my absolute favorite road-food, Cracker Barrel. Throw in a greasy spoon Mexican joint and I’m in heaven. The first few weeks of these indulgences bring on a feeling of sheer joy, mixed with bloating and gastro-intestinal confusion. The heartburn and swollen ankles eventually subside and your body remembers what it was like to function on these foods, and it sends messages to your mind that you want MORE. I still stand by the fact that I do not eat large portions. I just eat absolutely the wrong foods. It’s that simple. I’m not scarfing down big-gulps and footlong hotdogs. In fact, when I eat out, I tend to box up half of my meal. But, it’s taken its toll already. I feel it all over me. 7 pounds since we arrived and it's all in my gut and face.
I now work in a very large government building with all of the junkiest food options possible…on my doorstep. We have Taco Bell, Pizza Hut & Einstein’s Bagels just to name a few. I work in an office where junk-food is there every single day. You name it - Donuts, candy dishes, bagels, potlucks, etc. It’s in my face. Birthday cake flavored Oreo’s on a Monday morning? Why not?
Back to the “thinking about it all the time/obsessed” concept. I realized that I was legitimately upset with my husband for not baking or acquiring a birthday cake/cupcakes for me this year. It's the only thing I want, a tradition my parents carried on. I wanted one because it’s the only occasion where I truly don’t beat myself up for indulging. I’m still bitter about it, a week later as I type this. Lol
Baring my soul, I feel as if it’s all or nothing for me. I’m either dieting in extremes or I’m completely off the wagon. Why can’t I just eat healthy for a few days and then occasionally indulge? Why is this so hard? I know I would feel better, have more energy, look better (!). I’m so middle-of-the-road with every other aspect of my life, why can’t I find this middle ground? I joked with a friend that if there was a surgery where they turned off the taste section of my brain, I would have it, even if there were side effects, like growing hair out of my ears. I do know that I will not pursue a packaged meal or shake replacement diet. Please don’t even bother pitching that to me. I have to put myself on a path where moderation is the main goal. I’ve taken the first step and I’m going back to the gym with a weight training plan in my hand. I've had about 6 sessions. I can do cardio all day but weight training seems to be where it’s at for me.
Please wish me luck and feel free to comment or send me a PM if you have stories or insight.
Thanks!
